Tenaciously Open

Being Useless is both a positive thing and a negative thing.

Because, jobs are dependant upon you and Open Relationships are hard.

Relationships – in general – are hard work – if they weren’t, they wouldn’t be worth it. Open Relationships free you (read: me) from Jealousy, Betrayal and secrets. That doesn’t mean they are boundaryless. It also means they’re not  just about sex.

Boundaries still abound. Because whilst we are free, there is still a relationship.

Some open relationships have a strict no-tell policy: I don’t know what you do, you don’t know what I do – I just trust you to work at me and keep yourself safe.

Others have a strict – check-first-then-tell-all-after-and-I-better-like-them-too policy: I tell you whom to date and vice versa, and – if they’re open to it – let’s attempt a three-way-date!

We fit somewhere between the two, edging towards the latter. Recently, a paintball-selling-british-accented individual caused us to tear our boundaries into little shreds and realise we needed better ones.

It was quite hard. I’d stuck – not too happily – within our boundaries. I knew they were too restrictive, and probably should have been more forceful with them. Of course, Someone being Someone, she reached the boundaries, went “Oh, I see what he meant” and shattered them.

That hurt.

But when you believe you are absolutely useless and someone tells you “I’m so sorry, I hope you can forgive me, I love you and I miss you.”, you can’t help but know they actually mean it. It’s not like I had anything else to offer her.

And that is where it started – I reckon. When we started dating, it wasn’t easy. I was quite happy in my single life with my single problems and my single expenses and my single nights and my single joys. I can’t remember the last time I went for a random night drive for fun. Probably Last New Years.

So when I realised that I was hiding a heart-sized love behind 7 inches of lust – and discovered she’d fallen for me a while ago – the only thing to naturally do was safe-guard my achy breaky heart. And the best way to do that is to ensure that it can’t get shattered like a math-nerd shatters her degree (I’m not bitter, I promise).

To stop something shattering when it falls, you either put it on the ground or you cover it in protection. She’d cut through the protection, so I put myself on the ground and I said “I just want to make it clear that I have absolutely nothing to offer you but me.”

I think I might have gone about making that true.

And by making it true, I’ve taken my self-confidence – that casually gathered currency I worked so tirelessly toward last year – and stored it carefully below the floor.

And a low self-confidence is not helpful when you’re applying for a sales job. Especially one with a commission. Especially one that – if worked at tenaciously (I taught the sales manager – my interviewer – the word “tenacious” today. It was funny) – could lead to a salary that might be considered adequate by even my exacting standards.

And I’d get to drive everyday. Like, 500km-1000kms a week. Heaven.

Apparently, I come across as an educated and thoughtful person. The manager said his only concern was whether I had the tenacity to stick out a sales-pitch to the close. I believe I do. I think my writing has shown that – I have books for sale, I have more on the way, I wrote a novel in a month. He’ll let me know tomorrow if I’ve got the role.

My biggest concern is can I bring back the self-confidence? Can I do more than fake it? Can I really and truly love me?

I hope so. Because if I can’t, this job won’t suit me. But if I can, this job could be the best in the world.

2 thoughts on “Tenaciously Open

  1. Yes open relationships are hard; as in it is very hard to avoid getting hurt. It is why most people won’t go there; they rarely work and you’ve got to hope that yours is one of the few that are the exception. But it is you two who will define what your relationship is and what you want from it. There are hiccups in any relationship and sometimes people get hurt, but a lot of the time it’s not intentional, it’s miscommunication.

    Your self esteem is yours, don’t let other people’s actions devalue the way you see your self. Be the person you admire, not who somebody else admires.

    Sales jobs, boy they are hard! The question you need to ask yourself is do you believe in what you would be selling, would you recommend it to a close friend or family member? If you are passionate about the product and are friendly and eloquent, you will suceed. Passionate means learning everything about it. Since I don’t know what the product is or how quickly they expect you to close it’s hard to comment on the interviewer’s concern. But think about whether you really want this job, if you can be genuine and still sell the product. Sales jobs are high stress, if you feel you would be compromising yourself don’t take it, if you can’t wait to sell it, follow up with the interviewer and close that sale! 🙂

    BTW you rock!

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