Being Useless is both a positive thing and a negative thing.
Because, jobs are dependant upon you and Open Relationships are hard.
Relationships – in general – are hard work – if they weren’t, they wouldn’t be worth it. Open Relationships free you (read: me) from Jealousy, Betrayal and secrets. That doesn’t mean they are boundaryless. It also means they’re not just about sex.
Boundaries still abound. Because whilst we are free, there is still a relationship.
Some open relationships have a strict no-tell policy: I don’t know what you do, you don’t know what I do – I just trust you to work at me and keep yourself safe.
Others have a strict – check-first-then-tell-all-after-and-I-better-like-them-too policy: I tell you whom to date and vice versa, and – if they’re open to it – let’s attempt a three-way-date!
We fit somewhere between the two, edging towards the latter. Recently, a paintball-selling-british-accented individual caused us to tear our boundaries into little shreds and realise we needed better ones.
It was quite hard. I’d stuck – not too happily – within our boundaries. I knew they were too restrictive, and probably should have been more forceful with them. Of course, Someone being Someone, she reached the boundaries, went “Oh, I see what he meant” and shattered them.
But when you believe you are absolutely useless and someone tells you “I’m so sorry, I hope you can forgive me, I love you and I miss you.”, you can’t help but know they actually mean it. It’s not like I had anything else to offer her.
And that is where it started – I reckon. When we started dating, it wasn’t easy. I was quite happy in my single life with my single problems and my single expenses and my single nights and my single joys. I can’t remember the last time I went for a random night drive for fun. Probably Last New Years.
So when I realised that I was hiding a heart-sized love behind 7 inches of lust – and discovered she’d fallen for me a while ago – the only thing to naturally do was safe-guard my achy breaky heart. And the best way to do that is to ensure that it can’t get shattered like a math-nerd shatters her degree (I’m not bitter, I promise).
To stop something shattering when it falls, you either put it on the ground or you cover it in protection. She’d cut through the protection, so I put myself on the ground and I said “I just want to make it clear that I have absolutely nothing to offer you but me.”
I think I might have gone about making that true.
And by making it true, I’ve taken my self-confidence – that casually gathered currency I worked so tirelessly toward last year – and stored it carefully below the floor.
And a low self-confidence is not helpful when you’re applying for a sales job. Especially one with a commission. Especially one that – if worked at tenaciously (I taught the sales manager – my interviewer – the word “tenacious” today. It was funny) – could lead to a salary that might be considered adequate by even my exacting standards.
And I’d get to drive everyday. Like, 500km-1000kms a week. Heaven.
Apparently, I come across as an educated and thoughtful person. The manager said his only concern was whether I had the tenacity to stick out a sales-pitch to the close. I believe I do. I think my writing has shown that – I have books for sale, I have more on the way, I wrote a novel in a month. He’ll let me know tomorrow if I’ve got the role.
My biggest concern is can I bring back the self-confidence? Can I do more than fake it? Can I really and truly love me?
I hope so. Because if I can’t, this job won’t suit me. But if I can, this job could be the best in the world.