Confused Questions

If a Jackdaw blew through my window, screamed “the whales are falling, get in the plane!”, dug a hole through my floor, emerged in a mini world war two fighter (replete with goggles) and disappeared into the sunset, I’d probably be less confused about my life than I am right now. I’d also probably see about getting myself into a psych ward.

I have absolutely no idea what to do.

Perhaps because – for the last three years – I’ve simply lived the waiting game, the thought of making any decision leaves me confused and bewildered. I know – quite simply – that I have to make a decision. I know that making any decision is better than not making a decision, even if that decision seems like the “wrong”choice down the line – the thing to remember is there are no right or wrong choices: they’re just choices.

I’ve been thinking about what I should do with my life. I’ve had some awesome ideas: analyst, stripper, wizard catcher, spy, racing driver, rally driver, lecturer, sex educator, eternal student. Just for fun, I decided to google “what should I do with my life”. The results were interesting. One link led me to a site which popped out ideas (“You should open a bakery! You should be a couchsurfer! You should start a business! You should join a commune!”), others led me to quizzes (“Do you consider yourself to be compassionate, fearless, courageous, kind or all of the above?” “Do you prefer working with yourself, with others, or don’t mind?” “Which of these pictures most appeals to you?”).

They all sucked. Then I came across another one: 6 powerful questions that will change your life forever.

My god. The arrogance of some people. However, I was bored, so I went through it. It was incredible. Rather than making you search for it, I present it here, for you, with my responses. May your life be changed.

“What do I absolutely love in life?”

“Cars – no, Porsches -, writing and math. And shoes. Well, fashion. Women too. And men. Travelling! I love that. And mountain biking. Oh, and my friends. Obviously. Who else would read my blog? Blogging! No wait, I mentioned writing already. Reading. I love that.”

“What are my greatest accomplishments so far?”

“Fuck you. Firstly, I got here. Secondly, I have a shitty novel self published, bitch. I’ve had a threesome (I really should get over that). I got a Toyota 4runner to it’s top speed over harbour bridge, in the rain. Is that actually an accomplishment? In my book: yes. This question is boring me.”

“What would I stand for if I knew no one would judge me?”

“Never mind for; if I knew no one would judge me – even me! –  I’d stand in a dress and high heels. And defend the right of every person to have a cool car.”

” If my life had absolutely no limits and I could have it all and do whatever I wanted, what would I choose to have and what would I choose to do?” 

“A 1988 Porsche 911 kitted up to the Safari level, complete with a German Shepherd as a travelling companion. We’d scour the world for amazing people to repeatedly fall in love with, and write about all that we experience. In my spare time – when I’m not breaking lap records at every race track in the world or falling in love – I’d be proving the Collatz Conjecture true (I don’t care that it’s been proven improbable. Read the question)”

“What would I do if I had one billion dollars?”

“Give it away. I don’t like money. Oh, I might pay off some debt and help people close to me. I’d definitely buy a Porsche and a plane ticket, though not in that order.”

“Who do I admire most in the world?”

“….huh? Oh right. One of these questions. Ok, seeing as you didn’t ask for an explanation: Hitler.”

Do you know, not one of those questions made a shred of difference, but a jackdaw just flew in. Apparently, the whales are falling.

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