I took myself to dinner the other day.
In a year and a day, I’ll be jumping on a plane to Germany.
I’ll have been in NZ for seven years. I don’t know why it’s important. But it is important that I leave exactly seven years after I arrive. There’s currently only one stamp in my passport.
I’ll happily admit: I’m running away.
I don’t know what from. I don’t know why. But fuck being here any longer. I love this stupid little country and I’m coming back to see even more of it, but I’m tired of it, tired of the way people live here, tired of the restrictions I feel I’m constantly living under. I’m tired of watching life pass me serenely by.
The thing is, I always tell people that changing your situation doesn’t change you. You can’t run from your problems, you can’t run from who you are. So part of me thinks that heading to Germany goes completely against what I believe – except, it doesn’t: I’ll happily carry my baggage with me.
Of course, I have and will have expectations of Germany – hot guys, cute girls, Porsches and Beemers fucking everywhere, all the things that matter in life – and there’s a strong possibility that too much dreaming leads to huge disappointments.
But that’s true for life. I blame it on movies and books and stories: you never see a scene that doesn’t matter. At no point during a movie will a boy walk past the house of a girl he likes and nothing happens. He will certainly not simply walk, lost in thoughts of said girl, and notice a few minutes later where he is.
And so we live with this stupid expectation that Everything Matters and that Something Will Happen.
And it fucking won’t.
Sitting around waiting for life to happen is only worthwhile in a movie or book.
So I can’t sit around waiting. ‘Cause nothing will happen. I’ll get stuck somewhere, content in the belief that things will magically get better or return to where they were, which is seldom better than right here.
No, I have to happen to life. I have to go and happen, I have to make my own stories. I have to make the changes I want to see.
Of course I could do that here. I could completely happen here. But I don’t want to. Nothing in me wants to stay, nothing holds me here; everything pulls me away. So I’m going to happen somewhere else.
Most people my age have settled. In a few years they’ll be married and kidded and bored and longing. But they’ll be safe. They’ll be comfortable. They’ll be happy and secure and content and dreamy. They’ll have things to work on, they’ll have work to do and a family to grow. They’ll have things to be proud of and people to love them always, unconditionally.
Not one aspect of that appeals to me. And I’m perfectly ok with that.
Because I could totally settle. I could find a lovely woman and settle into an analysis position and make my home here, make my mark right here so that when I die my memorial stone will say “BRB, gone to fetch my girl. See you kids soon.”
But so could anyone. And nothing makes me better than them for that role. There is nothing in me that makes me the sort of guy you’d marry and live forever with. Mostly, because I’ve never really wanted that.
Yes, I said I did. Yes, I love kids. But I feel that there has to be more to life. There has to be more to my life. I can’t simply raise some perfectly imperfect cultural mongrels and consider my life well lived. I just see no point in that.
What draws me is stories. What draws me is people. What draws me is love and sex and laughter and cars and drivers. Because I’d rather be broke in the passenger seat of a Porsche on the Nurburgring than wealthy in the driver seat of a Porsche on Tamaki Drive.
So I’m dawdling to Germany. And we’ll see what I do from there.
I figured that if I downed the whole bottle, the anger would be smothered, buried far away. So I tried. It was shit beer, but it had an alcohol content, and that was nice. But, when the empty bottle came down, my only thought was “Right, who should I throw this at to prompt the best fight?”
That obviously wasn’t a good idea. So I turned to the guy with the epic car, gave him $20 and he took me for an incredible blast in his gorgeous, rally-derived car.
He drives like I expected: he trusted the WRX more than he should have. I didn’t care; crashing and dying would have been a beautiful way to go.
We survived with huge smiles.
The anger returned. It just sat there, staring at walls without holes and wanting to change them.
I don’t know where the anger came from. I was simply sitting there, enjoying my drink and the company, when it emerged fully formed. And it just wouldn’t fuck off.
I tried everything I knew. I tried to focus on pretty girls – that worked momentarily. I tried to talk to cool guys – that worked momentarily. I tried to breathe, tried to smile. tried to walk and nothing worked more than temporarily.
It was like a hot black stone sitting in my chest. Everything ached around it. And I could not get rid of it.
It sucked. It sucked right up to the point that I realised calling it anger is half the problem.
I told (yet another) pretty German about my anger issues. She’s now a bit scared of me. When I shared this snippet with Dutchy, she moaned at me, claiming I don’t have anger issues, I’m just under a lot of stress.
I’m sick of her being right so fucking much.
It’s not anger; it’s just energy. It’s a fuel. It is not necessarily dark or deceitful or hurtful. It’s just something I can use if I’m willing to deal with it.
I found an old picture today. A picture of Someone. It’s a picture of Her, lying on a bed, completely naked. It’s a picture I’ve edited with mediocre skill. And it’s fucking beautiful.
I miss Her so much.
She is a manipulative, selfish, unreliable bitch and I wish the very worst upon Her but god I love Her so. I want Her to feel a tenth of the pain She caused me and I want to laugh at Her when She suffers but I know I’d always step in and help Her. I can’t bear to have Her suffer pain.
In many ways, Dutchy reminds me of Someone (though Someone has a better bum). I think, mostly, she reminds me of Her in the way they both use people and fuck people up. I think part of my attraction to Dutchy is that I hope I get to watch her be hurt the way Someone hurt me.
Which is a truly horrendous thing to say. Because the mere fact that that woman can smile every day is enough to give me hope. That she can go through everything she has, that she is as fucked up as she is and that she can then stand there and say in pure honesty “I’m ok” with a smile on her face is remarkable. To me, she is proof life is never too hard.
That proof makes me want to try again. That proof gives me hope. It tells me I could go back to Someone and say “Hey, I still love you. I want to try again with you. I believe this time you can win, this time you’re strong enough, because I’ve seen someone else do it, and I think you’re better than her.”
But I can’t go say that. There are numerous reasons I could use for it, but there’s only one honest one: I don’t want a relationship.
Because what I want is labelless.
This energy I have makes me lonely, it makes me lonely because it scares me. It constantly asks “how can I make the given situation more enjoyable/entertaining?” and occasionally arrives at answers like “throw bottle at Dutchy and pick fight with Hulk”.
I’m learning to control it. I’m learning to turn the focus away from me and onto others. Because it’s useful. Because it gives me the strength to say “Where I was sucks, I’m going somewhere better and I have nothing to fear.”
Because it’s stupid to be scared of myself. It’s stupid to long for the past. So I’m stepping forward, without any darkness, one small step at a time.
I Need a second girlfriend.
One with naughty-filled boobs, bisexual tendencies and a philosophical thought train.
Actually – genius idea! – I could find three girls that each have one of those properties. Although….juggling three extra girls would be difficult. And the bisexuality and philosophicality both require boobs to really work right now.
So juggling one extra girl…Could I do that? I battle having just one girl and fitting in friends and family.
There’s a further complication: Someone convinced me to join a gym. She didn’t even try. I think she hypnotises people these days. She just looks at them and lowers her top and they do anything she wants. She even flustered the gay guy signing us up at the gym so much, he accidentally stole her ID. Or maybe I flustered him. He was quite cute. Bright eyes. Cool hair. A bit skinny, but gym has bulked him up.
A boyfriend of course is another option but they don’t normally have the sort of boobs I’m after. I think it’d be concerning if they did. Or a medical marvel.
But yes, a gym. I really am shocked. I have a card and everything. Apparently, I suggested we’re going Monday night after work. That’s quite scary. I don’t remember doing any such thing. As far as I’m concerned, gyms are torture chambers controlled by people with an odd definition of the word “endorphin”. And yet…I’m signed up for three years.
Seeing as I’ve been forced into joining, I reckon it’s only reasonable I spend some time there. I may as well get my money’s worth out of it – whatever that worth is. Hopefully a body with more energy. Hopefully a bit more control and muscle. Hopefully a happier outlook.
And hopefully lots of boobs.
Not mine of course. Girls’ boobs. Surely there’ll be lots of girls with boobs at the gym? And surely meeting people is a side-effect of joining a gym?
The only concern I have is that the times I’ll be going to the gym are not what you’d call “social” times. They’re more “I-work-and-gym-that’s-all-there-is-to-life” times. At least this means (theoretically) that people there will believe I’m there to gym, not hit on them. So they might be less guarded. But they’ll all be wearing headphones. So I’ll have to mime what I’m after. “Nice tits, can I have your number?”
I don’t think that’ll work. It’s a bit difficult to mime “nice”. The rest though…might get me banned from the gym.
And it’s not like I’d say that anyways. I think I might have a little too much self-respect for that. I think, instead, I’ll just get a t-shirt with this on.
That might work.